


Letters

by randompandemic



Series: Cullen & Róisín [8]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-03 22:59:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4117885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randompandemic/pseuds/randompandemic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last correspondence between Commander Cullen Stanton Rutherford and Inquisitor Róisín Trevelyan. (Alternate Universe where Corypheus attacks Skyhold directly)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters

Commander Cullen Standon Rutherford, Advisor to the Inquisiton, had a neat handwriting. Elegant, clear, very nicely readable. He had perfected it over the years working in Kirkwall, from writing official letters and filling forms, to minimise errors and misunderstanding. He wrote his letters on a desk, with good light and without interruptions. He prepared the paper carefully, used the best quills and ink, and he planned out every word. He wrote it all down in scribbles first, before setting it to official paper. Every letter to her, he began with a few lines quoted from a book he was reading, or a song he heard, or a verse from the Chant of Light, anything that reminded him of her.

When she read his letters, they made her heart race. Because he was so very formal, but sometimes, just sometimes, he let something slip, as if by accident. A _‘Maker I miss you’_ here, or a _‘I dreamt of you last night’_ there – a small hint that, even amongst all the work he was doing, he still thought of her always. She giggled to herself in her tent when she read them, and she pressed them to her face – certain she could still feel his hands through the paper and ink.  

Inquisitor Róisín Trevelyan on the other hand rushed her letters. They were scratched quickly, on uneven surfaces – sometimes on her legs or the ground in camp – often short messages, for she had little time to sit down and write longer. There were ink splotches all over the paper and her cursive was rather sloppy, but with a certain swing of her character in it. Quirky, charming and heartfelt, and real. She did never plan, she just wrote, poured her soul in and then, when she read the letters back, she fervently scratched out passages because she was embarrassed. But they were still always a little readable. And every letter ended with a print of her lips.

When he read her letters, they made him smile even in the most dire of times. It was like she was there with him, reading them to him, and it just reminded him how much he truly missed her. He would stare at them for hours. He deciphered her scratched out paragraphs about what she _really_ wanted to say. More than once it was elaborate details on what she would love to do if they were together right now, involving mostly naked skin and words whispered only between lovers. And when he was done reading, he would gently press his lips to the print of hers on the paper, imagining what it would be like to have her near him again.

They had always written each other letters when she was away. When the Inquisition only started, their letters were formal and orderly, no sweet messages, no hidden kisses. Yet he kept every letter she ever wrote to him in a box in his office and he knew she did the same.

Their last known correspondence went as follows:

***

_My dearest Cullen,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. The mission is progressing slower than we had anticipated but we should be able to return in a week or two. Negotiations with the Mages Collective have proven more complex than I had anticipated, but we will see it done. There have been no signs of the enemy along our journey, but we did run into a camp of barbarians._

_The Iron Bull threw Sera, mayhem ensued. It was priceless. We laughed about it for days._

_The nights are getting colder here, it is going to be a harsh winter. Please tell me you have moved all your belongings from that dreadful tower chamber you called your own and into my chambers. I’d hate to return and find you frozen to death. And don’t let Vivienne mess with you! Tell her I said that, tell her if she gives you a hard time I will turn this Inquisition around and come right back._

_Well, I am afraid that’s about all I can say, I will let you know of any new developments._

_I love you, my dearest._

_Your Ros_

* * *

 

My Ros,

I am glad to hear you’re at least having fun. Things at Skyhold are steady as always. More refugees have arrived since you left and they speak of your heroics out there. You can believe I am equally proud and worried. I cannot stand the thought of you getting hurt. I know, I know. Dorian, Sera and Bull are looking out for you. But I would much prefer I could be there with you to make sure you’re safe. Call me overprotective. I know you’re rolling your eyes at me right now. Stop.

Leliana tells me to inform you that negotiations with the Orlesian nobility are going well. She does not let me join in such meetings. Says I am better use on the battlefield. I think what she’s trying to say is I am not smart enough to participate in diplomatic conversation. (To be honest, she is probably right).

Don’t worry, I have moved my things into your chambers, keeping them warm for you. Might have managed to block the chimney somehow, but fixed it.

It is strange to lie in our bed alone. I’d much rather have you here with me. I hope you will be able to return soon, for I long to have you back next to me.

Be safe, my love

Cullen

* * *

 

_My dearest Cullen,_

_We have tracked them down. A whole camp of them, trying to summon the Elder One. We managed to salvage carts full of information, all ready to take apart and study and learn everything about our enemy we can. Dorian has taken a first look at it already. I think you and my other advisors will make good use of it. Also Solas. We have sent some of our men back to the Keep with the carts and if this letter reached you, it means they have arrived safely. You will notice I am not with them. Sera, Dorian, Bull and I have taken up pursuit of the enemy. We might be able to track them down, end this once and for all._

_Of course… that will mean a further delay in my return to you. Believe me, I do not enjoy this. Dorian’s horse collapsed yesterday, we had to stop in a nearby village to get a new one. People speak of worrisome troupe movements to the north… It might be worth investigating._

_I can’t really say when we will be able to return. ~~I want this to be over. I am tired of this war, and now that I have a real chance to end it~~ … I have to see this through. I hope you understand. I hope you are not angry with me. I wish you could be here with me. ~~I wish I could feel your lips on my skin. The nights get so cold and so lonely and I miss your touch and your warmth and~~_

_It will be over soon, I feel it in my guts. I can’t wait to come back home, to see you. I can’t wait to throw my arms around you and kiss you again. ~~To tear off that armour of yours and cover you with kisses and~~_

_I love you,_

_Your Ros_

* * *

 

My love,

It has been long. Your letters grow scarce and I lie awake at night, worried. Every time a scout returns, I hope and pray they bring news from you and when they do not, I want to take a horse and ride out and find you to know you are safe. I call myself to reason, tell myself the Inquisition needs me here, that you need me here, that you need me to hold this Keep at all cost. And you know I will never abandon my duty. But I want you to know that I miss you and I worry for you and I pray every night.

I got your last letter. We have received the documents you sent and I have sent scouts to investigate the movement of troupes you indicated. We believe the enemy is preparing for an attack, so we are reinforcing the defences of Skyhold. Your intel was most useful.

I know you want this war to end, believe me, I do to. But be careful out there. You have been gone for many weeks, you can’t keep this up forever. Return, regain your strength, so you can lead the Inquisition into battle anew. I doubt it will make a difference for our enemies whether you face them today or tomorrow.

I think of you every day. I, too, long to hold you in my arms again, to taste your lips again. I can barely remember it. The harder I try, the more difficult it gets. I want to wake up next to you. Maker, when you return I fear I will not be able to let you go again. I know our duty has to come first, I remind myself of it daily, and still I sit alone in our chambers every evening and read your letters and think of your smile and your voice and your touch and…

Maker, I should stop. You have more important things to worry than me sitting on my hands, pining over you. Watch out for yourself, be safe, be strong, and come back. Come back to me and never leave me again.

I love you, and I miss you.

Yours always,

Cullen

* * *

 

_~~My dearest Cu~~ _

_~~My dear~~ _

_My love._

_…_

_~~I~~ _

_I miss you._

_I miss you every day, every night, every minute, ever second that I am out here. I miss waking up next to you, I miss your fingers on my skin, I miss your kiss, I miss your voice, I miss hearing your heart beat under my ear. There is barely another thought in my mind right now than how much I miss you. I can’t talk to anyone about it. We all carry our burdens and I need to be strong, for them. But I am tired. I am so very, very tired, my love. I want nothing more than to curl up with you in our bed and sleep and listen to your steady breath ~~and have you inside me and whisper your name and tell you how much I…~~ but I can’t. I have to stand strong, I can’t let them see how scared I am of what might happen. ~~That I might not see you again~~. I just miss you so much. I want you to touch me, to kiss me. I want to lie safe in your arms and be surrounded by your scent and… ~~I want~~ … ~~I~~ …_

_Maker, I must sound pathetic! I will be stronger! I promise, no more whining. I will see this mission through and then I will come right back to you, my love. Just you wait, you won’t be getting rid of me again! Ha! We won’t even be leaving my chambers for the first few days, so you better be ready. Oh how I want to kiss you right now. ~~You have no idea where my mind just went and I will not tell you!~~_

_I love you, and I cannot wait to be in your arms again,_

_Your Ros_

* * *

 

_My love!_

_I’m coming home! We have finally decided to give up this nonsensical goose chase across the Hinterlands and we are on our way back. I am coming home! I am coming back to you! I can’t wait to see you again!_

_How are you? I have not heard from you in a while, I bet Leliana is keeping you on your toes. You can tell her I will be back soon ~~and the only one who’ll be riding you hard is me~~._

_I love you, I will see you again soon,_

_Your Ros_

* * *

 

_My dearest Cullen,_

_…_

_It has been a while, has it not?_

_I miss your letters._

_The walls are standing again, we have claimed back the Keep, everything is falling back into familiar patterns. The Fade is sealed… Sometimes my hand still burns, it wakes me up at night, pulls me out of my dreams. I think it might be just phantom pain. I am angry every time. Dreams are all I have these days, I wish I could just… stay in them forever._

_…_

_Yes, ther is peace. The mages and the Templars have finally shaken hands. I wish with all my heart you could have been there to witness this._

_Leliana has left Skyhold. She returned to Val Royeaux, to the side of the divine, to make sure the new values we have introduced to the Chantry are not lost. Josephine does the same in Antiva._

_I meet Sera regularly. She travels from city to city to speak for the free elves. Sera, as a fierce leader, who would have thought. I went to one of her talks, it was truly inspiring. I might have shed a tear or two, when she spoke about the people who gave their lives for the freedom of Thedas._

_I have not seen Dorian in a long while. I know he returned to Tevinter and is actively propagating the values of the Inquisition there. It will be a slow process, as everywhere, but I believe we will see some change in the future._

_I finally had a chance to mourn my brother. I got him a proper grave. It’s small, nothing fancy, just a stone, with a view over our old family estates in Ostwick, and over the sea. He would have liked it._

_Solas sometimes comes by. He says he likes to make sure that my cut does not give me any trouble. I know when he is not here, he is trying to find a way back to the Fade. Not so much because he wants magic to come back. But because he feels as incomplete without the Fade as I feel without you. I can’t really tell him but… maybe… what makes me wake up at night is the thought that… if the Fade was still open, I… I could… I don’t know… see you again…_

_I miss you._

_~~Maker help me, I miss you. How could you do this to me?~~ Sometimes I wake up and I am absolutely certain you’re there. I can feel your warmth, I can feel your arms around me and I smile, half asleep. I whisper your name and I am convinced I can hear you whisper back. But when I rub the sleep from my eyes… I’m alone. You’re gone._

_I still wear your coin. I thought about burying it, but… I couldn’t. I needed something. Something to hold onto. The first few nights were terrible. And holding onto this little token gave me strength, it was almost like you were still there. Now… I don’t think I can take it off. I am scared that I will feel alone again, that I will be reminded of just how… painfully empty this world is without you._

_Yes, there is peace. I should be grateful, I should rejoice. But I can’t. ~~Because…~~ because this was a price I did not want to pay. ~~People tell me I made great sacrifices to save Thedas and that I am a hero and a legend and… all I can think is… that I would gladly let them all rot. I would gladly watch them all burn, I would gladly turn back the hands of time and watch them all die, if only it meant I could have you with me again. It’s ugly and vile to think like that, I know you would judge me for it, you would tell me to pull myself together, that our duty comes first, that we both knew this might be the price.~~_

_But that does not change how I feel._

_Some days are worse than others. Some days I wake up screaming because I think you’re calling me, you’re begging me to find you and come for you and save you before it’s too late. Sometimes I imagine you trapped, alone, in the Fade, trying to fight your way back to me, I imagine them pulling you back in the darkness and… it tears me apart to think like that. To think you are as alone on the other side as I am here. Some days I don’t want to eat because everything tastes like ash in my mouth, because all I want to taste is your lips and I can’t remember… I just can’t remember anymore and it drives me crazy. I want to hear your voice ~~. I want you to tell me that you’re proud of me and that you love me and that you forgive me for failing you, that you know I did everything I could, that if there had been a way… I would have found it.~~ I have still not given up. I keep searching, Cullen, I will never stop searching._

_~~Other days… I am angry. I am so incredibly angry at the world, at its people, at how complacent they are. They celebrate and move on as if nothing happened and all I can think is how they owe this all to you and they don’t even know it. I am angry at the Maker and his bride because they took you from me as some form of… price I need to pay. Because obviously, saviours cannot be allowed to be happy. They might have as well cut out my heart and burned it.~~ _

_~~The truth is, it should have been me. You knew that. You knew I was the one who was supposed to give herself for Thedas. Why? Why did you do it? Why did you leave me behind? I ask myself this question so often…~~ _

_~~But no more.~~ _

_I have made a choice now. Because my life will be lonely without you, no matter what I do. So I might as well use it for something meaningful. I have chosen to seek out an old friend of yours. The Warden Commander. Perhaps taking the grey is what I was always meant to do. It will give me a purpose, a mission, and in time… in time it will set me free. Dying while fighting darkspawn sounds a lot more meaningful than sitting around waiting for old age. And when that time comes, I will find you on the other side, my love. I will come home._

_I will see you soon,_

_Your Ros_


End file.
